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Who Wants to Wipe a Million Rears

Copyright Linda Sharp

Who could have predicted the unprecedented popularity of the new game shows bombarding the airwaves, especially Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Well, these shows will eventually disappear, but we have found one that has been around since the first baby soiled the first diaper, and will be around long after the catchphrase, "Final answer?" has faded into pop culture history. . .

Good evening and welcome to the night 730,000 of the world's favorite game show, Who Wants To Wipe A Million Rears!!! I'm your host, Phil Regisbin. As you remember from last night's show, our contestant Mary Bliss had answered seven questions correctly before we ran out of time. Tonight we will see if she can answer the remaining three and become the world's newest Wiper of a Million Rears! (Dramatic lights & music)

QUESTION: When purchasing diapers, what is the most important thing to look for?

  • A. Colorful Characters your child will never see
  • B. Well known expensive Brand name
  • C. Catchy slogan like, "Wee catch pee"
  • D. Bang for the Buck - If it soaks it up, buy it

"Oh gee, uh, hmmmm, well I don't have any babies yet, and the idea of changing diapers makes me feel all squishy. Umm, I think I'd like to use one of my lifelines and poll the audience, Phil."

"Ok, Mary . . . well, looky there. The audience seems to think D, Bang for the Buck is the way to go. What do you think?"

"Well, Regis, I guess I'll have to go with them. My final answer is D."

"Congratulations! The audience must know for a fact that if it holds it, buy it! Next question." (Dramatic lights and music....Dun, Dun,Dun, DUN)

QUESTION: When changing a baby boy's diaper, what should you be careful to do?

  • A. Stay out of
  • B. Hum Singin' In The Rain
  • C. Wear A Clothespin On Your Nose- he must take after his father
  • D. All of the above

"OK, well, not being a parent yet, I don't know first hand, but from talking to friends, I know they have been shot more than once with the "Pee Pee Gun", while changing their sons. And, well we all know it never smells good . . . so, I'm going to say D. All of the above for my final answer.

"And you're right Mary! Now, you are only ONE question away from being granted the privilege of becoming a parent and Wiping A Million Rears!! You have one lifeline left. Let's move on! (More dramatic lights & music)

QUESTION: What vegetable is most likely to come out your toddler in the same shape it went in?

  • A. Carrots
  • B. Squash
  • C. Prunes
  • D. Corn

"Oh, I just don't even know where to begin with this one, Phil! I need to use my last lifeline and Phone-A-Friend."

"And who is the friend you would like to call?

"I'd like to call my mother."

"OK, our friends at the phone company have your mother, Harriet, on the line, Mary. Harriet, Mary is now one question away from winning, do you think you can help her?"

"Now listen here young lady, I have had the pleasure of cleaning up your behind and your five brothers and sisters too. I can tell you without a doubt, the one vegetable that ALWAYS comes through unscathed is CORN."

"Ewwww Mooooo-oooom, we're on international television! OK, Phil, I always trust my mom and she has definitely been there, and done that. So my final answer will be D. Corn.

(Dramatic Pause)

"Congratulations Mary! The answer is D, and you are the newest winner at Who Wants To Wipe A Million Rears!!!!

The crowd goes wild and as the credits roll by, we read: "All contestants are required to pee into a cup, under the guise of drug testing, in order to be eligible to play. All contestants chosen, are pregnant and will be wiping a Million Rears regardless of their inability to answer the questions correctly. Tee Hee Hee. . ."

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